Getting the “Get”: An invisible prison between marriage and divorce
Fri, Dec 11, 2009
Photo from the Jewish Women's Archive. Photographer: Joan Roth.
By Terry Baynes
Agunah
Hannah Nagila’s sons are 3 and 5 years old, and they already know what an agunah is. They have told their mother what their father tells them: “Daddy says you’re going to be an agunah until you pay back every cent.”
Agunah is the term for a Jewish woman chained to a dead marriage. Under Jewish religious law, a husband must issue his wife an official bill of divorce, known as a get, to end an Orthodox marriage. The central provision of the get is simple: “You are hereby permitted to all men.” Without a get, the woman is branded an adulteress as soon as she enters another relationship. She cannot remarry under Jewish law, and any child from another man is labeled a mamzer, or bastard child. A mamzer can only marry another mamzer or a convert.
Historically, agunah cases were the result of a husband’s death, disappearance, or mental insanity. Today, they more often stem from vindictive husbands who exploit the get as a form of control. The get becomes a bargaining chip—leveraged for large sums of money or custody of the children.
Hannah Nagila, who asked to go by her Hebrew name, says that her husband is clinging to the get as the last vestige of power he can lord over her. The two finalized their civil divorce in Virginia over a year ago. The judge ordered her husband to pay child and spousal support and granted Hannah primary custody of the children. Her husband has them every other weekend.
“The worst part,” said Hannah, “is that he won’t stop fighting for custody of the kids.” Hannah has also heard, through their boys, that her husband won’t grant the get until she pays back the three years of child and spousal support ordered by the judge. “That’s thousands of dollars I do not have,” said Hannah, who spent all of her savings on the civil divorce. She works as a chiropractor out of her home, trying to build her fledgling practice.
Hannah made her first request for the get in front of the family law judge during the divorce proceedings. She had come to rely on court appearances to move the case forward. Her husband, she said, “would play games and hold up the process. The only way to get him to do anything was to pull him in front of the judge.” Hannah arrived with the get in hand and the two witnesses required under Jewish law. Her husband refused to sign. In the final order, the judge wrote that the court cannot compel a party to sign a religious document.
Soon after, her husband filed a motion to return to court. He alleged that the phone calls from Hannah’s lawyer about the get were a form of harassment. The judge threw out the claim. By that time, Hannah had sought the aid of a rabbi from Richmond, Virginia. The rabbi accompanied Hannah to that court appearance, hoping to confront her husband about issuing the get. As the rabbi tried to catch up with him after the hearing, Hannah says, her husband literally ran out of the courthouse.
So Hannah turned to the Organization for Resolution of Agunot (ORA), a non-profit organization in New York that helps Jewish women obtain a get in accordance with Jewish law. The organization is currently handling approximately 65 cases and has helped resolve over 100 since 2002. The Director of ORA is an upbeat young man named Jeremy Stern. He called Hannah’s husband to try to persuade him to issue the get. Stern asked him: “Do you want to stay married to her? If you want to move on, why are you holding onto this marriage?” Her husband’s response was to yell and threaten Stern, says Hannah.
Hannah solicited help from a New York rabbinical court, or beth din, which sent her husband the final letter, including the seiruv—a contempt citation for his refusal to appear. Yet Hannah still remains chained to the marriage and without a get.
A Get Freely Given
A get is not unilateral. A wife also needs to accept the get in order for a man to be free to remarry. Yet the ban on men remarrying is much less severe under Jewish law. The man is not labeled an agunah, and his future children aren’t illegitimate. Still, according to figures released by the Chief Rabbinate of Israel in 2007, approximately equal numbers of Israeli men and women were bound by their spouses in 2005 and 2006.
The vast majority of ORA’s clients are women, Stern says. He reports only half a dozen cases in which ORA has represented a husband whose wife refused the get. Yet Stern emphasizes that ORA’s real client is the get: “We want to ensure that the get is given, free of extortion.”
ORA aims to open up the lines of communication. Stern often serves as a go-between for the parties, lawyers, therapists, social workers, and rabbis. When that fails, he resorts to pressure.
Under Jewish law, marriage is a private matter—a transaction between two individuals who promise to support each other. The rabbi doesn’t marry the parties; they marry each other. Therefore a get must be consensual and granted out of the husband’s free will. But, once the rabbinical court has issued a contempt order, community coercion and ostracism are fair tactics.
An ORA rally in Florida. Photo courtesy of ORA.
ORA organizes protest rallies outside the recalcitrant husband’s home, synagogue, and place of work. Demonstrators chant slogans and hold handmade signs that read things like “Give a Get.” Stern contacts the husband’s synagogue and lobbies for his expulsion. He urges the husband’s employer to fire him. Stern emphasizes that this shaming approach is only effective with community backing.
Recently, Stern went to a husband’s shoe store in Williamsburg to confront him and tell customers about what he was doing to his wife. The couple had been separated for over eight years, and the husband still refused to grant the get. Most passersby walked on. Someone scolded him: “Don’t air other people’s dirty laundry.”
“Brooklyn is a particular challenge for us,” said Stern. “There are so many small synagogues and communities. There isn’t the same sense of community.” If a husband is cast out of one synagogue, he can easily find another around the corner. In contrast is Teaneck, New Jersey, which Stern describes as a “recalcitrant-free zone” because of the concerned and cohesive community. Stern points to one agunah who even moved to Teaneck because she did not feel enough support in Brooklyn.
Stern notes that, in Israel, there is no separation between religious and civil divorce. Divorce happens through the religious court system. A recalcitrant husband may be thrown in prison, stripped of a driver’s license, and barred from opening a bank account or leaving the country. In America, the agunah’s only recourse under Jewish law is shame.
A Tenuous Relationship
As civil and religious divorce proceeded on two tracks in the United States, an uneasy relationship has developed between the two systems. The First Amendment bars government entanglement with religion. Yet the state has a strong interest in ensuring that a divorce judgment is final and that the marital ties are severed.
The New York legislature passed two laws that address the get problem without explicitly invoking religion. The first Get Law was enacted in 1983, with the support of rabbis across the religious spectrum. That statute provides that the court cannot enter a final divorce judgment until both parties have filed sworn statements, vowing that they have removed barriers to the other party’s remarriage. Less than ten years later, the state legislature added the 1992 Get Law which directs New York courts to consider the withholding of a get when dividing the marital assets between the parties.
In January 2009, Judge Jeffrey Sunshine of the New York Supreme Court applied the 1992 Get Law to a case involving a couple from Midwood. The husband was 80 years old, a Holocaust survivor, and a civil rights activist. He had been jailed during the civil rights movement in the south and had devoted much of his life to social and religious causes. Yet he refused to grant his wife a get.
Sunshine, in his judicial opinion, wrote that the husband “is unable or unwilling to move on with his life.” The husband insisted on delivering lengthy monologues throughout the trial and refused to cooperate even with his own lawyer. On the last day of trial, he was reluctant to enter the courtroom and conclude the trial.
The wife testified about instances of abuse during the marriage: husband’s pushing and hitting her on several occasions, dousing her in water, and holding a broken glass over her, threatening to carve letters of their last name into her stomach. Even though the wife summoned her husband to the prominent rabbinical court, Beth Din of America, in 2001, he had yet to grant her the get eight years later.
The wife introduced her rabbi as a witness to testify about the severity of life as an agunah. Not only can she never remarry; she becomes a pariah. “A woman who does not receive a get is considered almost as if she’s in mortal danger of her life because she has no ability to act in a normal fashion,” the rabbi testified. She cannot relate to married couples nor interact freely with single men.
Judge Sunshine applied the 1992 Get Law. To receive any marital property or alimony, the husband had to “voluntarily” give the wife a get within 45 days of the entry of the divorce judgment. Without granting the get, he would walk away with nothing. The judge reiterated that the court was not meddling with religious questions or doctrine. It was not mandating husband to deliver a get but merely executing the statutory scheme, which imposes financial consequences for upholding barriers to remarriage. If a woman is destined to remain single for the rest of her life, she should at least be afforded adequate resources, under the law’s logic.
But rabbis have nonetheless criticized the 1992 Get Law for undermining the free will requirement of Jewish law by imposing a threat of economic penalty. Some rabbis argue that the agunah problem is not under the jurisdiction of secular authorities. Michael Broyde, an Orthodox rabbi with the Beth Din of America and a law professor at Emory University, wrote in his 1995 critique of the law: “Secular interference in the internal workings of the Jewish law has been profoundly discouraged throughout Jewish history.” Yet Broyde concluded that there are many cases where gets issued in the shadow of the 1992 Get Law are still valid under Jewish law.
Despite their discomfort with secular interference, rabbis are not necessarily resigned about the 2,000-year-old agunah problem. One rabbi, Emanual Rackman, was particularly sensitive to the plight of the agunah. He sought a real and immediate escape for the living widows. He formed his own rabbinical court, Agunah International in Brooklyn, to help free women trapped in dead marriages.
Latent Defects
In 1997, Rackman began to hear cases in his beth din and implement a new systemic solution to the agunah problem. He latched onto a principal in Jewish law called kiddushei ta’ut, error in the creation of marriage. The principle parallels the idea in contract law that a “meeting of the minds” is required for a valid business transaction. If a latent, serious defect existed at the time of marriage, without one party’s knowledge, there was no “meeting of the minds,” and the marriage may be annulled.
According to Michael Broyde, a marriage can be annulled under Jewish law if the woman discovers the serious defect in her husband after marriage, the defect was been present in the husband at the time of marriage, and the woman was unaware of it then. Accepted latent defects have included homosexuality and impotency.
Rackman’s beth din operated on the premise that a husband’s abusive behavior is a pre-marital latent condition, even when manifested only after marriage. The withholding of a get is a sign of a personality disorder and therefore grounds for annulment, according to Rackman. No get or divorce is even necessary.
Rackman’s approach incited passionate debate among Orthodox scholars. Broyde argued that under Rackman’s interpretation, any conflict between spouses could signal a latent defect sufficient to invalidate the marriage. It threatened all Jewish marriages, making them seem casual and flippant.
Rackman defenders excoriated Broyde for his insensitivity to the thousands of agunot whose lives and families have been destroyed. These are not women who suddenly wish to dissolve their marriage on “any and every unanticipated change,” argued Rabbi Haim Toledano of Agunah International in a written response to Broyde. These are women whose loving suitors metamorphosed into abusive husbands.
In retrospect, Hannah can pinpoint the warning signs in her husband. She pressured her to move away from her family and work when they married. “He didn’t want me to see my family,” Hannah said. She thinks back to his obsessive cleanliness and his demeaning sarcasm. “He had something bad to say about everyone,” she said. She knew about his painful upbringing, had seen how his father bullied his mother. But she thought she could show him a better way.
She never predicted this man would berate her over a spot of milk on the floor or how she parked the car; refuse to take her to hospital when she went into labor with their first son; steal things from her and lie; or hit her. She never imagined she would have to flee to a shelter with her children.
The divorce only escalated the manipulation. “He knew that I was terrified of him,” said Hannah. “So he would drop the children off with pictures of guns pinned up all over his car.” He fed the kids ham although they kept kosher. He videotaped their 5-year-old son in the bathtub, saying that his mother touched him sexually—proof to Hannah of brainwashing. It is no surprise to her now that her husband is withholding the get.
The Search for New Solutions
Emanuel Rackman died in December 2008. By that time, he and his beth din were shunned by the Orthodox establishment for having gone too far. Broyde argued that Rackman’s approach harmed the agunah, by creating the illusion of freedom when she, in fact, remained tethered under Jewish law. The “annulled” wives struggled to find an Orthodox rabbi who would remarry them.
Broyde instead advocates using the prenuptial agreement as a preventative solution to the agunah problem. The Beth Din of America drafted the form contract, which states that a husband has an obligation to provide his wife with support of $150 per day from the date of separation until the date the get is granted. The Beth Din of America, an Orthodox rabbinical court located in New York, is the arbitrator of the agreement. Stern says the premarital agreement has been very effective in cases where it is used. But for the thousands of agunot already trapped without an agreement, it holds little promise.
Advocacy groups like ORA are exploring new solutions that dovetail into civil law. In May 2009, the Supreme Court of California awarded a woman $75,000 in damages for “intentional infliction of emotional distress,” based on the withholding of a get for almost 30 years. A psychologist testified about the wife’s resulting depression and anxiety. The husband in that case had fled Israel decades prior and owed $127,000 in child support. He had set up a new life for himself in Tarzana, California, where he lived on the same block as several other recalcitrant husbands. He failed to appear in court to contest the wife’s legal claims, resulting in a default judgment of $202,000 against him. The woman is now trying to collect the money. Stern says that she would forgive the $75,000 in damages for emotional distress in exchange for the get.
In another case, a woman from Williamsburg has a civil contempt order against her ex-husband for child support in the amount of $70,000. She too has said that, for a get, she is willing to wipe the slate clean, says Stern. She obtained a proclamation from her beth din, stating that the result would not be a “coerced” get.
Yet the question lingers over what constitutes extortion. “Where is the line?” Stern asks. If a husband requests $5,000 for the get, the administrative costs of challenging him exceed the demand itself. ORA estimates that its own operational costs for a single case amount to approximately $7,500. Hasidic rabbinical courts have set the threshold at $100,000, declaring an exchange of the get for anything less non-coercive.
Hannah does not know what her solution will be. Social pressure is not plausible in Virginia, she says, where the Jewish community is so small. She also fears that a public protest would alienate people in the area or provoke anti-Semitism. “They may not even agree with the rabbis,” said Hannah. They may recoil at the concept of a get or question what’s wrong with intermarriage. Hannah’s sister thinks she should try to raise the money to pay for the get, but Hannah is resistant. She thinks she may have to wait until she finds someone new to marry. Perhaps the two of them can then pool their money together to buy her freedom.
Tags: Agunah, Beth Din, Get, ORA, Terry Baynes
IF the marriage contract is a legally binding contract, including the husband’s responsibilities to the wife, why aren’t the terms of divorce, that he may not without the divorce, specified as well.
The financial limits on what is considered coecive were absurd. Any demand for money, especially child support, is coercive, especially if the woman does not work outside the home. Perhaps the rabbis who sit on these courts should re-read the Torah, especially about how G-d listens to women’s prayers, especially in matters of family and fertility!
Should check out Conservative Judaism (Conservative really means liberal) in its approach to divorce. Because the bible requires the man to give the wife a get (in antiquity this helped prevent men from taking advantage of women, which is the reason for the unmodern idea) no Conservative Rabbi will marry a couple unless they sign an agreement (within the marriage eccliastical covenant called the “Ketubah”) in which they consent, in advance, to the jurisdiction of the rabbinic court (bet din) in the event of a civil divorce. This means that no man can hold up a woman’s ‘get’ and she will be free of any agunah.
The poor kids, the hostages in all this.
A very entertaining story. I think we should all march to the husbands home and workplace to “convince” him to cooperate? Any volunteers? Where in Va? I want to meet this individual!
You are right Julie, the children are being held hostage by their Mother. Depression and schizophrenia are terrible afflictions for young children to live with.
In this case, the witholding of the Get is an mitzvah and that is PRICELESS!
As a SJM and attorney, this article raises some interesting thoughts. If this story is true, then the drama surrounding Hannah and her children would have been ended by the court and no visitation would have been granted to the Father.
Second, how does one pressure another to move?
Third, why does Hannah want a prospective mate to buy her freedom? Why should this be the responsibility of a future man? Any volunteers?
As a Father with children of identical ages, they cannot put together such sentences that were quoted in the article.
Hannah, I wish you luck! However, this story is unbelievable. Can you respond?
Adam
Why isn’t the Jewish community coming together to help this woman?
JJS, even assuming your allegations are true, what does the Get have anything to do with the psychology of the mother? Are you implying that the family courts are not competent enough to determine proper custodial arrangements?! It seems to me that the husband is pretty psychotic himself…
The fact of the matter is, the Get should have nothing to do with anything else in the divorce process. Let the courts decide custody and the division of property on their own merit, and let the parties fulfill their obligations towards issuing and receiving a Get.
Adam, if you are an attorney, then you should know that courts rarely remove ALL visitation rights from the father. He could have supervised visitation, and send nasty messages through them to the mother.
It seems to me that Hannah should sue him for emotional distress until he finally gives the Get. Just my two cents…
-Dave
Dave, there are two sides to every story. We have no facts. Perhaps the Mother is brainwashing the children or fabricating this story to gain support. Why would she publish this story in NY when she lives in Va? Although you offer some insight, the courts in Va rarely exercise common sense…hence the VT massacre.
Second, the Virginian courts have a reputation of being backwards and pro Mother. I commend the Father for his willingness to parent the children. He is not walking away from his responsiblity.
As for the Get, he is NOT obligated to provide at the termination of the marriage. That is Jewish law. Perhaps Hannah should review her Ketubah to determine if a Get is required? Perhaps he should sue her for religious harrassment and defamation of character? Again, we really do not know what transpired. We are both guessing.
As for JJS, it appears he may have some insight into the situation. As an attorney, I have worked with couples who suffered from mental illness. Their stories are similiar to Hannah’s so I am hesitant to accept her story without any factual information. One or both parties maybe mentally ill, however, Hannah’s need for a Get should be HER responsibility and not that of a prospective husband. Perhaps the family can pool their funds and make an offer?
As an aside, a figure of $100,000 offered by the Beth Din is interesting. Who are they to determine a Get’s value? What has Hannah actually offered her husband in exhange for the Get? Do we know? Again, we are only guessing and without facts, we can argue back and forth forever. If I was Hannah’s attorney, I would suggest splitting custody equally and perhaps a reduction in support just to soften him up.
I wish Hannah luck and pray that the children develop properly. This couple will always be connected by their children.
I often wonder when this topic comes up if the man who denies the GET is not holding on to a dream. Perhaps, in his defense, he believes that someday his beloved will return to him. He is full of anger at himself that it did not work out but with time all will be restored and his wonderful family will be once again returned to a blissful state. If he should offer the GET it is over and finsl. Without the GET he has one more chance on a daily basis to make it right. My prayers are with him, his children and his wife. I know he must be longing for her and his family and hurting deeply with every hour of every day. Lost love is so difficult. Thinking of what could be or would have been is so heart wrenching.
Witholding a GET is not a mitzvah. It’s an sin, which can only be committed by a man void of heart and soul. Any man who does this to a woman is pure evil.
Abusive husbands are notorious for coming to court with stories of schizophrenia and depression. This is nothing new. Loshon hora and defamation of character are among the many other sins that this man has to wake up with every day. I am not sure how he looks at himself in the mirror without wanting to throw up.
In the words of Golda Meir, until this man learns to love his children more than he hates his wife than the only victims in this story are the children and they become the sacrifices.
He needs to let go of his anger, start to love his children, give his wife a get and then the peace that he is seeking in his life will be granted.
Adam, I don’t know about your kids, but I taught many a two year old that would spurt the words of one angry parent against another. Language is best learned through mimicking. You just must be a wonderful parent who would never dream of abusing your children and using them as pawns, and thus you never had the misfortune of observing the great power of their little brains in this fashion.
I agree with you Sarah, the individual who denies the GET is doing an evil deed. And he does seem to hate his wife more than he loves his children or he would try to bring harmony and peace to their lives which are already torn apart. He is using them as pawns to serve his anger.
However there is one point I would like to make. He is also a victim. He may have been a product of a disfunctional family from one generation to another. He and those like him could very well be masking their insecurity and inadequacies with this anger. I do believe anyone so evil is really his own worst enemy and should be looked at as a lost soul. If this is indeed the case she is lucky to be rid of him.
I would tell her to move on. The GET may be his last hold on her and whatever fantasy he has about himself as being in control will be forever dashed.
As it is my experience in the world of psychology and child care the children will make the selection as to the parent who has best served them with kindness, respect and common decency. She will be the winner and he will forever be someone to be feared, disrespected and probably in time plain vanilla ignored.
Hannah sounds like a nice woman. I am newly widowed with a 6 year old daughter. We live in Richmond and I am a chiropractor as well.
Consider contacting me after you obtain the Get. We can adjust each other. Chiroari228@yahoo.com
Ari
Questions:
Is this couple orthodox, conservative or reform?
When were they married? It seems to be if the marriage was recent, the Rabbi would have had a prenup prepared or the Get would have been in the Ketubah already, no??
Why don’t you discuss with the Rabbi that performed the ceremony?
Ariella,
If the Mother has the children all but 4 days per month, the Father’s ability to “brainwash” the children is highly unlikely. It is NOT uncommon for a Mother to brainwash their children against their Father. In fact, if this woman is mentally ill she may not even be aware of what she is doing.
Also, the Get is only a piece of paper that symbolizes closure. If Hannah was strong, no piece of paper could stop her from moving on with her life. No piece of paper can prevent her from living a happy life. Your drama is only adding axniety to someone who is already suffering. Let it be and let her live her life. She can remarry a non religious Jew or gentile. Why are WE as a people allowing antiquated rules ruin our lives? She didn’t have a problem divorcing him or accepting his financial support.
After reading up on GETORA and Jeremy Stern, it would not suprise me if he is responsible for stoking this fire.
Adam,
I am not sure where the mental illness comes from. It was mentioned by JJS. I honestly did not see it in the original article. Perhaps I read the article too quickly.
You seem like an intelligent sensitive person who would understand that all the husband has to do is simply sign the GET which according to the article he had more than one opportunity to do so. If indeed it is only a paper why not sign it, get it over with and be on with his life. He can then, as she can, work together to create a cooperative atmosphere for those children which would be in their best interest. Two waring parents will not serve these innocent kids over time. It really doesn’t matter who is right or wrong,who divorced whom, who is mentally ill, it is the kids that matter.
I will never forget a little girl who was a playmate of my son in elementary school. We were all in an auditorium (band recital). When the event was over the kids were introduced with their parents. When it was Ruth’s turn she called for her parents, all four stood up and took a bow. After they all came together for a family dinner…. Her mother and her new husband and her dad with his new wife. Ruth was a lucky girl. The four of them were after all “her parents.” Years later I happened to meet her again. She was a well adjusted young woman with a family of her own. I thought what a marvelous gift to give to a child, a stable home and a feeling of belonging and two parents that cared enough for her to be an example of what a true loving parent are.
If this father truly loves his children he would work to make this happen for his kids inspite of his feeling for his ex-wife. I am sure you can see this. I am sure this is what you would want for your children. You seem to be a caring, concerned individual who would do the right thing if this were your situation.
The Get has nothing to do with their current children. It only affects Hannah’s future children. Therefore, your premise is incorrect.
This issue has nothing to do with loving their children. How are you able to jump to such an irrational conclusion?
These people can be excellent, loving parents to the children without a Get. It sounds to me she needs to move on with her life and stop using the Get as an excuse.
He is also within his right not to give a Get in both civil and secular law. Therefore, they are both right and both wrong, but this should not remove the parent’s ability to effectively raise their sons. Your premise is based on emotion, not logic.
The GET may be a stumbling block for the “togetherness-cooperative” atmosphere so necessary for children, present and future. That is all I meant. It shows willingness to be a good person, it shows willingness to do the right thing. What possible harm could it do by granting it?
What could be a reason why anyone would deny the GET to another?????? I can think of only one, okay two, three reasons.
1. Downright outright meanness, vindictveness (cannot raise children together with vindictive attitude)Anger, hatefulness is so harmful, the most destructive emotion. Let me see, high blood pressure caused by stress, early heart disease, depression, and just an anxious feeling with nowhere to turn.
2. No value in religious tradition which leaves one empty in times of need and despair and also empty in times of jubilation. Not a wonderful thing to pass on to children. Children pick up on this. It is sad to raise children without as sense of belonging, tradition and destiny. In these times it is a gift to have something to hold on to. Belief is so powerful.
3. Feeling that somehow the marriage partner will return and all will be as before.
I can think of no good reason to deny the GET. Males should give it willingly and females should accept it willingly. Both sides can hold up the process.
If my son were in this situation I would be mortified if he did not do this simple “insignificant” thing.
Not only does SHE need to move on, so does HE. I have no idea about the articles truthfulness. I cannot evaluate the facts….But what difference does it make. The solution is so simple. Who would want to be married forever to someone they have fallen out of love with. Tradition states they would be bound together through all eternity. There is no good reason not to offer the GET. And doing the right thing will set him free. An amazing transformation will take place, by the hand of G-d.
I wish all on this forum a Happy Chanukkah.
AG
At age 12 my parents divorced. This obvious effected me and my 2 younger brothers greatly. The civil divorces was ugly but the GET was detrimental. To this day our father will not give our mother a GET. Growing up knowing that my father could be so crewl and callous to our mother was difficult to except. Why would he be so mean? All our mother wanted was for him to sign a peace of paper and have her dignity resorted.
Well fast forward till today, My wife and I just had a healthy baby boy (thank g-d) Neither me or my brothers have a relationship with our father for a variety of reasons including the heartlessness he shows toward our mother. Once we got old enough to understand what he has withheld from our mom all these years, how could we respect him or want him in our lives. So with the bris a few days away my father will not be coming, he is not invited.
A long time ago my father made a choice; his choice had consequences. These consequences were losing his children and his grandchildren. As for Hannah’s ex, he would be wise to give the GET or I am sorry to say my father’s life may be a premonition to his own future. As for Hannah, Be Strong, Be Strong and you will be Strengthened.
Happy Chanukah
Ari,
Have you considered J-date. Perhaps someone there has a GET. It is not looking too good for Hannah at this point. But am wondering if you would consider a person without a Get? Why not? The heart of your answer will further prove that Hannah needs one to allow a person like yourself to accept her. Who knows you could be sole mates and the Get stands in your way. So this meaningless peace of paper is everything to her future happiness and the happiness of her children.
ag
I signed the get. Simple, meant nothing to me but made my next relationship much easier and saved the respect of my kids.
It’s interesting how all of your arguments all send the same messages to a Father. “We will not promote a healthy relationship with a Father because of the Get.” That’s a wonderful message to teach children. You believe it is acceptable to brainwash children against their Father because he has exercised his religious right NOT to provide a Get? Ah religion, led and followed by the weak and ignorant. No wonder people are fleeing the orthodox and conservative movements!
Children of such young ages cannot make their own decisions and these children have limited time with their Father. It appears the brainwashing has already begun by Hannah and you are her advocates. Shame on you! Well, I guess the Father will not have to worry about college, cars or anything else…thanks to their Mother’s teachings. Maybe Hannah will just have to step up to the plate financially now!
Josh, maybe your Father didn’t want to know you because you were all brainwashed by Mommy? I’m sure your Father supported you and your Mother with no thanks. You had no trouble accepting his money? YOU and your brothers sound like weak minded girls. Are you Josh Ross? His gain and your loss. Knowing you and your siblings, you still share the same bed with Momma too. Your ignorance is amazing for being Jewish.
One thing is certain. Get or no Get, Hannah will probably always discredit and alienate her sons from their Father with the encouragement of Jeremy Stern and Getora. Look at the article and quotations. She has no intention to foster a healthy relationship with her ex husband. I applaud the Father for standing up for his rights as a Man, Jew and Father. Hannah and her family need to pray for forgiveness and learn to live the life that has been provided to them by God. I concur with JJS, the GET is priceless! PAYUP HANNAH!
Adam
Ariella,
Obviously it does make a difference…hence the husband’s refusal to cooperate. It appears Hannah is SOL unless someone can “force” him into providing one.
Make is simple for this man. Make him an offer he cannot refuse and then perhaps Hannah’s chain can be forever severed in the eyes of God.
Adam,
It seems like you sure know a lot about this case and the players involved. You’re very defensive and seem so invested in this discussion, replying to nearly every person who comments. Might you be the despicable husband himself, trying to defend his own ego and excuse his reprehensible and abusive behavior??
The problem is, Adam, that you contradict yourself. On the one hand you write “the Get is only a piece of paper that symbolizes closure” and that Hannah shouldn’t care about it, and on the other hand you expect her to submit to extortion in order to receive it!
I just wonder if you’re encouraging her to pay off her husband because YOU would be the beneficiary!
No Dave, extortion is a crime. I would never committ such a crime against humanity. You know what that is all about as you do it all the time. You are an insult to Judiasm. Who said “payup” refers to money. What are the first 3 letters of ASSUME Dave?
Go back and diaper your daughter and wife.
Oh and BTW Dave, I am NOT the despicable husband. I am his twin brother. Call me, we’ll do lunch!
Ariella,
I would engage with someone who did not have a Get. I judge the person, not their circumstances. Losing a loved one is much easier than divorce. However, it appears that this article has created a forum for family members on both sides to “air” their grievances.
I am afraid that the drama attached to Hannah and her young boys is something I would prefer to shield my daughter from at this time.
In the meantime, I wish Hannah and her family peace and love. A resolution will be reached between the couple, without external interference. If Judiasm considers this couple married, then outsiders need to respect the bond and all the family members.
Peace
I am modern orthodox. I do believe what the husband is doing is surely proof of a selfish individual who would not be able to have a healthy marriage. In order for a healthy marriage to exist a person has to be willing to give even when they do not understand what the benefit is. That same husband will also make a poor father because of his lack of generousity. People are either generous or stingy regardless of who is on the receiving end. Our rabbis clearly state that the wife of an adultress is a stingy man.
Even though I am religious, if Hannah was my daughter and she tried to get a Get without success I would not judge her for entering a relationship with another man. Hopefully she would have learned better and find someone warm and caring so that her children could at least have a good example of how to treat a treasured individual. Those chyildren will at least have another male figure they can respect.
I agree Joey, She should not worry about being judged. It would have been nice to have been offered the get freely but if this is not to be for whatever the reason she simply needs to be on her way and move on. Her intended is around the corner and together they can give the children the solid foundation they need. Most likely they will take their cues from this good relationship and rise about the failed one. We can all pray for their ultimate success. The same prayer goes out to their father in his search for new relationships and positive family values.
Is this an epidemic?
They help ‘get’ it together Jewish women aided in divorce
BY Erin Durkin
DAILY NEWS WRITER
Thursday, February 26th 2009, 4:31 PM
Related NewsBikers to get naked to protest loss of bike lane in WilliamsburgWilliamsburg topless bike protest is a bustSummertime mumps outbreak in city biggest in three yearsZimmerman: The ‘war on Christmas’ is nothing newJimmy Carter apologizes in letter to Jewish community Three years after she left her abusive husband, a Borough Park Orthodox Jewish woman still can’t move on.
At first, she said, “he would call me names, he would call me stupid, he would yell at me for any little thing.”
Soon the abuse became physical and sexual. “There were many times that I wanted to call the police,” she said. “But I was afraid of him. I felt trapped.”
The woman turned to the Organization for the Resolution of Agunot because her husband refused to grant her a get, or religious divorce.
Agunot is the Hebrew term for “chained woman.”
The group had the man’s name published in the Jewish press to shame him. Rabbis have attempted to persuade him to give the get.
Founded by Yeshiva University students in 2002, the group works to persuade husbands to grant the get, a move which no court or religious authority can force. They start with quiet negotiation, then ramp up the pressure, even holding public rallies at the homes and workplaces of husbands who hold out.
The group has successfully resolved about 100 cases and has 70 more open, mostly in Borough Park and Flatbush.
“Often, the husband will hold it as a bargaining chip until he gets what he wants in court,” said ORA Executive Director Michael Kaplan. “Sometimes, it’s just straight-out extortion. He’ll ask for $100,000 in exchange for the get.
“Our organization came along so that a woman wouldn’t have to succumb to these threats,” said Kaplan.
He said the group has seen an increase in the number of women seeking its help as women have realized they don’t have to accept the indefinite limbo. When ORA started out, they got about 10 new cases a year; now it’s closer to 30, said Kaplan.
The group is not without its critics. Some of its rallies have drawn counterprotests from men in the community.
“There’s a proper Jewish way to go about getting a divorce,” said Dov Charnowitz, a leading critic. “ORA unfortunately doesn’t really care about that.”
But Kaplan said most rabbis are supportive of their efforts, even joining in their rallies.
“We don’t think there’s ever a reason to withhold a get,” he said. “It’s a form of emotional abuse.”
Meanwhile, the woman in Borough Park is still “chained” because her husband has refused to grant the get.
“He knows there’s no way I’m going back to him,” she said. “It’s out of spite and it’s sick.”
Read more: http://www.nydailynews.com/ny_local/brooklyn/2009/02/24/2009-02-24_they_help_get_it_together_jewish_women_a-2.html#ixzz0bU4elPBF
Lynette: its a pandemic…all over the world…its a well known open secret that battered Jewish Orthodox women are punished for leaving the batterer by being impoverished and outcast as an agunah—this is abuse by the leadership at its ugliest
Poor Ariella…maybe your Mom will receive her Get?
A reform, female Rabbi without a get…now that would make for an interesting story.
Jeanie
Divorce will always lead to depression and anger towards the other party. As much as possible avoid divorce.”~
Divorce is usually the end of a good relationship, every couple should avoid it-’:
Can we have an update on this sad situation?